The Power of Pressure

Zinsser’s essay, “College Pressures” gave me a new perspective on what college pressure looks like for people. I’ve always been a “beat to your own drum” kind of person and I always got support from my parents in what I wanted to do. They’re motto was always “do what makes you happy.” The pressure succeed in this timeline of life was never shoved in my face by them, but rather society. I was never pressured by my parents to do anything I didn’t want to do, but society on the other hand, had influenced a lot of my decisions early on in my college career.

I constantly felt I had to complete college in 4 years and take the hardest classes and get a 4.0 every semester, and join multiple clubs. If I wanted a chance at grad school and a good paying job later on in life, then working myself to the bone at age 18 was what had to be done. I learned very quickly that society didn’t have the power and control, I did. Society’s route was making me miserable. I stated to truly hate school and I forgot the meaning of learning. I was invested in a major I dreaded, and thinking about my future brought tears to my eyes. That’s when I decided to take time off and really explore life outside of the classroom setting. I felt experience and experiential based things were going to give me the skills to succeed and also give me the opportunity to find out what it is I really wanted to do and how I imagined spending the rest of my life.

My taking time away from the societal pressures of college, I was able to truly understand myself and what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I was under no obligation to complete papers, have deadlines, or study for exams until 2 in the morning. I tried new things that I wasn’t graded on or could base my worth off of, but rather things were I was able to get constructive feedback and utilize the tools I learned and implement them in my everyday life. So many students base their self-worth off of their GPA and automatically consider themselves failures before they even begin. There is so much more to a person (and to school) than a GPA or a class ranking, and the American education system makes that near impossible for students to see.

I think if students were able to try new things and experience other opportunities that sound intriguing to them without the fear of failing or being graded, then they’d be more apt to trying new things and stepping outside of their comfort zone. We need to stop beating students to the ground. But until we start building students up and letting them know that there is so much more to life than grades and all-nighters, not much will change with these pressures. These pressures have too much power. If we don’t recognize and address them effectively, they will continue to destroy happiness, self-esteem, and quality of life.

What They Don’t Tell You

Gerard’s essay “What They Don’t Tell You About Hurricanes” was something I thought was relatable in a few ways. I think the idea of the hurricane could parallel different things. What first came to my mind was life. The first line of the essay, “what they don’t tell you about hurricanes is the uncertainty.” Life is uncertain in so many ways. Hurricanes are similar to life, especially in the realm of uncertainty. You never know what’s going to hit you or when it’s going to hit you. Sometimes you have to prepare yourself for the damage that might come – that it can and will it hard. It will break your heart in many ways, over and over again.

I like how the syntax in this essay was short and to the point. The style of writing also reminded me of life. Life is short, and to the point. I think many of us try to beat around the bush in life. When things in life hit us hard, we like to make excuses instead of just accepting what is happening, is happening. “We’re luckier than most. It just doesn’t feel that way.” Sometimes, in life we are luckier than some people have it, but we know deep down, it doesn’t feel that way. Sure, things could be so much worse but what’s ever going on for us in that moment feels real, and sometimes it sucks.

Life can hurt. It can break things. It can make things seem unbearable. Things get thrown at you when you least expect it. It’s unpredictable and uncertain, I think that’s what makes life intriguing in some ways, and also hurricanes (to me at least). No matter how uncertain hurricanes are, they will still happen. No matter how uncertain life is, it will still goes on.

How Do I Look?

What if appearance didn’t matter? What if we didn’t solely focus on this aspect of humans? I found Grealy’s essay was easy to relate to. The way she describes Halloween is something I think many people can relate to. It’s a time where we can be something other than ourselves, put on a costume and just take on the role of a different character. Grealy had to go through constant changes all related to appearance. I could especially relate to the line of feeling “not so different” until you realize you actually are different. Although I didn’t have cancer, I have gone through sicknesses that relied on appearance and it’s difficult to not become known as that. I also have a twin, and we are identical. When Grealy talks about how her twin always was going out with boys, it really hit home. It was never me that had those dates or boyfriends, but her.

I spent a majority of my teenage and college years looking in the mirror, always picking things out about myself that I wasn’t fond of. Losing weight to look and feel thinner. If I could be thinner then I could be happier. I wanted to look pleasing to others and I thought that by achieving that, I would please myself. Thoughts would run through my head while starting at myself in the mirror for hours; What do I look like to others? Can I really see myself for all that I am? Will I ever be able to? What if I think I look one way but I really look another way? And Grealy entertained the question, “How do I look?” and the fact that we probably spend a majority of our life based off of this very question. I would ask people this question all of the time. I was so focused on what they saw. Their words mattered so much to me. I gave that question so much power. But this question isn’t necessarily a reflection of ourselves, but more so how others view us and if it aligns with what we believe. It’s not a matter of “I” when it comes to appearance, but potentially “How do I look to OTHERS?” In the end, it always comes back around to ourselves, but initially, I think it’s more than that.

It’s hard not to be obsessed with our appearance nowadays. Everywhere we go, everything we do, and all that we see is related to appearance in some way or another. Glancing at your reflection as you walk past a window, poking and prodding our body, models in magazines, billboards, how we should look, how we should attain that look. Society is all about making us look and be like someone we are not, and it’s a sad truth. We are a society obsessed with looking at ourselves, but we are not obsessed with ourselves. We are obsessed with the ideas that others have about us. Sometimes, like Grealy, it takes a small moment, like one with a cup of coffee in hand to realize that we don’t have to be anybody but ourselves in a world trying to make us someone else, and that is the greatest realization and accomplishment one can do. It’s something I am learning every day: to be myself.

Have Trust and Faith in The Grilled Cheese of Life

One particular This I Believe essay that really resonated with me on a personal level was, “Love is Trust and Faith” by Shirley. This essay talks about the struggle of an eating disorder and the parallel between not fully understanding the disorder and not believing one can get better and how that translates to the sufferer, but then realizing that giving up isn’t an option; that one should never give up on a friend or family and having faith is what can help one persevere through any struggle. While it may be hard to trust someone (in this case someone with an illness that makes them lie and deceive others) it is essential sometimes. The more we learn to trust and have faith in others, they begin to trust and have faith in themselves. Sometimes all it takes it a little bit of faith to get someone to accomplish what they need to. This rang true for me because I have see loved ones start to give up on me throughout my recovery journey from my eating disorder, but as they began to have more faith that recovery is possible (even though there are many ups and downs) – the more they had faith in me to recover, the more I had faith and believed that I could get better.

The other essay I enjoyed reading was the “The Grilled Cheese Principle” by Emily Schmitt Lavin. She talks about multitasking and being in the present moment and how when we are distracted it’s hard to be in the here and now. That is something that rings true for me on a daily basis. I am constantly bombarded with thing after thing and trying to manage everything at once. It’s so easy to lose focus on one thing that is so easy (making a grilled cheese). Life is the same way. If we give things the attention they need, we get the full effect and it ends up benefiting us in the long run. What I got out of this essay was that things in life don’t have to be complicated. They can actually be quite simple if we just allow them to be what they are for all that they are. If we focus on one thing at a time and try our hardest to stay within that realm of focus and give these tasks the attention they deserve, they get appreciated more and the execution of these tasks are effective and worthwhile.

When I sat in front of “White Wonderland” by Wonju Seo, I viewed this as sort of a meditation. I found myself really focused on the left side of this piece of art. The way the sun was shining and hitting the tiles and the blank parts of the white wall made me feel so serene and at piece. I found myself having moments of clarity and peace in my mind. The different colors of the tiles were really intriguing to look at. There were tiles that were a shiny purple and a shiny greenish/brown color. I was particularly drawn to the spots of exposed wall where there were no tiles. This piece reminded me of what life is like. We have all different things that make up our life yet there are still blank spots with a blank canvas, for things we’ve yet to experience or maybe they’re blank because of things that might never happen/we never want to experience. Also, the sunlight didn’t hit all of the tiles. There were some areas that were dark and untouched by the sun, and that represents life a lot too. Not all moments are happy and bright. We experience moments where there is nothing but darkness, but despite that, there are always going to be good moments. After all, darkness is needed for us to see the light shining. So the contrast between the light and the dark really added to this piece.

Texturally, what I thought these tiles were made out of, changed throughout the 5 minutes. I imagined it being some sort of stone/marble like material, and then the tiles started to soften and I imagined them to be more of a cloth like material; something that would resemble a quilt or blanket. Although it doesn’t vary much in color, the patchwork and patterns are exquisite and elegant. Each individual square has simply yet distinct detail that looking at it is an experience in and of itself. As a whole, it made me think of experiences in life; simple yet descriptive and interpreted differently by all.

A picture doesn’t do it justice.  The way the light reflected over the patchwork was really pleasing for me to look at.

 

Home Is Everywhere I Go

Most people think of home as a place where their family is, their friends are, where they grew up. My real and actual home is in a small town that borders Queens & Long Island. They say home is where the heart is. But what happens when your heart is all over in multiple different places? That’s what home is for me. I’ve had the traveling bug ever since I was 12. I remember as a kid, I used to ask my parents if we could drive to random cities and stay in hotels overnight. Home is when I’m sitting on an airplane and I find out the life story of the person I’m sitting next to. Home is when I step on new turf and explore an unknown city with absolutely no idea where I am. Home is in Oregon, where I spent a week and where the baristas from a small coffee shop memorized my order. Home is at the shelter I volunteered at when I spent 8 months in Arizona and got to know about all of the men living there. Home is in Maine, sailing the Penobscot bay and stopping and anchoring to go get fresh blueberry ice cream. Home is in Connecticut where I learned that I am more than a number and recovery is possible. Home is in Colorado in the beautiful snowy mountains and where I absolutely suck at snowboarding. Home is when I’m on the train and I people watch and stare out the window as the train rushes by. Home is all over for me. Home is in the 25 states I’ve been to and the 25 states left I have to go to. It’s in the countries I haven’t visited yet. It’s in the people I’ve met and am waiting to meet. Home is all over, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Showing and Telling

Hampl’s piece really resonated with me in many aspects. The idea of writing one’s story but also looking at the meaning behind it is what makes a memoir valuable. The meaning behind one’s story is what makes it unique to the individual and makes the show and tell of it so worthwhile. I think it’s important to write our stories because how else are we supposed to get others to understand more about us? And if we don’t tell our story, there is the potential that someone else might, and that isn’t always a good thing, and kind of scary to think about. Hampl says, “We must live with a version that attaches us to our limitations, to the inevitable subjectivity of our points of view.” Our point of view, our experience, is what matters. That is what is going to tell the story. Even if we remember wrong, the version we end up telling still holds truth simply because what we are remembering is what feels true to us in that moment. We might not purposely be falsely remembering, but that doesn’t mean what we are recalling it wrongly. Without a doubt, what we remember will always be subjective because it’s based off our own experience.

Anytime we are remember, we are turning it into reality. When we remember and tell our story, it all becomes real and if we don’t think of it in that way then we are missing the point of the memoir. I always had a hard time bringing recalled memories and telling my story because a part of me didn’t want that to become reality. Once you share your stories and experiences, they are real, and they hold this new value and meaning to it, and there’s not really a way to take it back. I think memoir writing is a beautiful risk that everyone should take. Hampl is right, “memoir is traveling writing.” Life truly is a journey and it’s up to each of us to be able to capture and document these moments to not only show others but to tell them; tell them the meaning behind these documentations and moments; why it means so much to us; why it is important to us. Telling our experiences allows us to relive these experiences, whether they are good or bad. It also allows others to experience what we experienced. We get to live vicariously through others and vice versa, and I think that is the coolest thing.

I’ve traveled to 25 states so much (and I’m trying to hit the rest of the US before I go abroad). I’ve been able to tell my story while traveling and gain newer experiences to tell as I continue traveling and that’s what keeps me traveling. I have a story to tell and when I look back on all of my experiences, I love being able to remember my travels and share it with others. It gives me a sense of contentment because I truly do feel like I am reliving it. I’ve been able to not only find myself but as Hampl says, I’ve also found a world, and that’s why I want to show and tell my stories to all of those I encounter. Remembering can be painful. Memoir writing can be painful. But there is always beauty that comes out of it, even if you can’t necessarily see it when you might want to. It’s about trusting and being true to yourself and holding your values close to your heart. As Hampl said, that is how memory is stored – in value.

I’ve decided to include two photos from one of my most recent travels to the west coast (Orgeon)! {left to right: Multnomah Falls and Cannon Beach}

Why I Write

I am quite a perfectionist when it comes to most things in life. Even sitting here, thinking of the question, “Why do I write?” I am trying to form the most perfect answer possible which is the most unnatural thing you could do. So instead I am letting my fingers do the talking and write what I want to write, rather than what I feel I should write.

Terry Tempest Williams ideas on why he writes are straightforward and easily digestible. I think that is an approach not many writers take advantage of. Often times, humans try to create these elaborate writings and stories that are pages and pages long, and in the end, they never get the point across. But Terry Tempest Williams is direct, and his choice of words are effective in getting the reader to really understand why he writes.

Three specific examples of why Terry writes stood out to me: “I write to imagine things different and in imagining things differently perhaps the world will change.” I am an idealist and this is one of the many reasons I write. When things go from my mind onto paper, it doesn’t make reality seem so bad and it gives off this effect of wishful thinking. I hold out for hope that maybe, just maybe if I write it a certain way, it’ll be able to be put into action, or at least allow me to see things differently.

“I write to soothe the voices shouting inside me, outside me, all around.” This particular line hit home. I’ve struggled with an eating disorder for 8 years and as mentioned earlier, I used my body as a language; a way to express myself; a way to quiet the voices telling me I wasn’t good enough or thin enough or perfect enough. But the use of my body only enabled those thoughts and that’s when I turned to writing. I was able to quiet them bit by bit by counteracting what it was I thought about myself by letting my true, healthy self finally be heard. It was as if all of those years of being destructive disappeared as my hands typed or griped the pencil. I was able to get a glimpse of the true Megan, someone I thought I’d lost after years of starving. This also ties into what Terry said “to revel how vulnerable we are, how transient.” When I write, I don’t have to hide. Through writing, I’ve been able to be my true self; raw, honest, and open. I’ve shared struggles and triumphs; it’s allowed me to meet so many people who have been through similar experiences. I write to connect. I realized that partly why I write is for those who will never get the chance to do so. I write for the people who feel silenced by their mental illness, and are counting on people to hear them. I write for those in recovery, who have a mental illness that isn’t a choice. I write (and I mean actually write) for the Matthew Shepard Foundation to be a support for LGBQT youth who are being ridiculed and judged for something that isn’t a choice. I write because writing IS a choice.